I remember the first time this realization occurred to me: sometimes, healing is not so much about working hard at difficult stuff as it is about learning to let ourselves feel good.
This was a life-changing revelation for me. Like many others, I assumed that healing was all about gritting my teeth and focusing on what was difficult until it “resolved”. Since then, I’ve come to see that healing is actually a lot more subtle, gentle, and diverse than this mono-tonal vision of it.
It is indeed important to learn skillful presence with difficulty. (This is a huge part of the work I do with folks.) But the flip-side of this coin - the one we tend to forget or marginalize - is that the intentional cultivation of goodness gives our nervous system the “juice” it needs to help us work with the hard stuff. It also starts to reshape our system in the direction of well-being and peace, so we can feel more at home there more of the time. Finally, it just feels good to feel good. It’s oddly easy to forget that the purpose of healing isn’t healing itself, but rather, to live a more whole, integrated, & expansive life. Feeling good gets to be a part of that.
Many of us want to learn to let more goodness in, but it doesn’t always feel easy. States like well-being, humor, compassion, joy, clarity, a sense of safety, & enoughness all sound wonderful, but we might feel blocked from them, unconscious of when they show up, or just too overwhelmed by stress or painful feelings to know how to access them. This can be especially true for those who’ve experienced trauma or repeated intense stress.
When our nervous system registers an experience as traumatic, it begins to pattern us toward physiologic states that monitor for danger, threat, stress, lack, etc. This is necessary, even life-saving. But if we live in these states more than is actually needed (for example, when not responding to a present-moment threat), it can have painful and even counterproductive effects. These “on-guard” states make it hard to notice, absorb, or seek out goodness. If we’re looping in them, we might notice that feeling good somehow seems unsafe, a distant fantasy, a flaky indulgence, or it may not even show up on our radar. It's important to know that these are normal biological responses to intense stress & trauma, not a personal failing.
The good news is, it is very possible to teach our nervous system to cultivate and inhabit more receptive, fluid, relaxed-feeling states. This takes time, patience, accompaniment, and a lot of self-compassion, but it is entirely possible.
Whether with a guide or on your own, there are numerous ways to gently guide your system in this direction. A few of these include intentional gratitude, nervous-system based somatic practices, Deb Dana’s brilliant “glimmers” practice (see below for more on Deb & her amazing work), mindful movement like yoga or qi gong, tapping. spending time with a pet, and being in nature. Being witnessed by a trusted person - whether that's a friend, partner, therapist, or practitioner - can also be a powerful way to learn to tune our system toward feeling more safe, receptive, & alive.
This process is multifaceted and a little different for each person, so pay attention to what works for you. With time and experimenting and perhaps a little guidance, you might be surprised at the new possibilities opening within you.
Healing is more than just working with hard stuff. It’s also about cultivating and savoring beauty, delight, laughter, and joy. My hope for you this month is that you will find small, approachable ways to let in goodness. And no stress if this feels new or a little awkward. As with all things on the healing path, we get to take our time.
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